I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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