those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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