Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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