just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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