Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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