So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
