its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
