he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
