Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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