I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
