Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
