Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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