You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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