It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
