Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
