So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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