i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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