The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
