I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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