Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
