just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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