Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
