Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize