yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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