my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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