1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
