My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
