I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
