Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
