i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
