this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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