Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
