I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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