can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
