Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
