I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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