I faked an abortion last night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
