Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
