I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
