yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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