For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
