Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I party with great urgency now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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