You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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