ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
