i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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