There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
