I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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