saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
