My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
