Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
