i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
