My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
