I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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