I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
