I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
