If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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