if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All the doctor said was why
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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